


Behind These Hazel Eyes

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-05
Updated: 2005-04-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:11:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Angsty, set one month after Justin leaves for Ethan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Tick Tick Tick…

Brian sat awake in the loft listening to the clock tick.

Tick Tick Tick…

He rolled over onto his side, half expecting to see Justin’s sleeping face beside him, but mostly expecting what he already knew would be there…

An empty space…

He put a hand on the cold sheets beside him then rolled over onto his back.

Tick Tick Tick…

Seems like just yesterday  
you were a part of me

It had been about a month since Justin left and Brian hadn't been able to get more than three hours sleep…tops…a night.

He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened…

He stared at the ceiling all-night and thought about it.

But now he had had enough.

Brian threw back the duvet and went over to his desk. He took a key out from where he had taped it under the desk and unlocked the drawer. It always amazed him that in all the time Justin was there, he had never asked why the drawer was locked or what was in it.

Brian took out the first thing his hand touched.

It was the drawing that he had bought at the art show at the GLC.

The next thing he took out was a journal. He had been keeping a journal ever since he was a kid. It was what he did when there was no one to talk to, like after his father had gone psycho and beat the shit out of him. There were some things that he couldn't tell Michael or anyone else for that matter…some things were just for him to know and no one else to ever find out.

He took out a pen and began to write. What began as just another entry in the journal turned into a letter…to Justin…  
J,

I can barely go ten minutes without thinking about you. When you were here I was a different person. You did something to me that no one was ever able to do.

I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong

But now that you’re gone, I done even recognize myself. I’m Brian Kinney…this kind of shit isn’t even supposed to faze me. I’m a heartless asshole remember? 

I should be able to just move on…go on fucking…like it was before. 

But I cant. 

When you were here, it just felt like everything was perfect, that nothing could get in the way of us being happy…but I guess I was wrong.

Your arms around me tight  
everything, it felt so right  
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

But something did come between us. And I don’t mean Ethan. 

It was me. 

I just couldn’t let myself say what you wanted to hear…what I wanted to tell you so many times, but was just too fuckin stubborn to say.

Now I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on

Since you left, I haven’t been able to sleep, I barely eat. I just don’t feel the need to. But I have been out to the clubs. 

I go out every night, trying to forget that you won’t be coming with me. And a month worth of meaningless fucks later, I still can’t forget.

Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
can’t deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one

I can deny it all I want, but the truth is that I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I feel like such an asshole for this.

It’s all my fault that you’re gone. And to think, if I had just given you a fucking birthday party, you would be here right now or if I didn’t let you go to that concert you would have never met him.

Broken up, deep inside  
but you won't get to see the tears I cry  
behind these hazel eyes

But of course I can’t tell anyone that. I need to keep up my I don’t give a fuck attitude. And I fuckin hate that. I can’t even tell anyone how I feel. 

I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in

But I could talk to you. 

You never care what it was about…you were always there. You made me feel good for once. 

I felt like I didn’t have to perform the Brian Kinney show around you.

You made me feel all right  
for once in my life  
Now all that's left of me  
is what I pretend to be  
so together, but so broken up inside

Now all I can do is walk around every day, emotionless, because that’s what expected of me. 

I act like I don’t care, and I know that they can all see through the act, but they don’t say anything because we cant break routine. 

It needs to be like it always was…but it will never be like that when you're not there.

So I’m sitting here, writing a letter to you that I know you will see and I want to tell you what I never was able to say to your face.

I love you. I love you with all my heart and I don’t know how I lived my life without you. I need you and I want to be with you forever.

But I lost my chance and I know that I cant be me without you.

I love you Justin.

-B

…….:::::::::::::::……  
Brian sat in his bed and lined the sleeping pills up in front of him. He reached over to grab the bottle of beam off the nightstand. One by one he took each of the pills and washed it down with the amber liquid.

He laid back and watched as the world went black…behind his hazel eyes….


	2. Behind These Hazel Eyes

Michael POV

 

I was the one who found him. 

The day after he did it, he was supposed to meet me for breakfast at eight. I waited until ten until I finally decided to call and yell at him for being late. 

I called about three times…ok maybe it was more like ten before I started to worry.

He usually answered his phone on the third call, even when he was with a trick. So the fact that he wasn’t answering either his cell or his house phone really got me worried. 

I drove over and used the spare key that I knew Brian hid in the light for when he wasn’t home and I needed something in the loft.

I rode the elevator up to his floor with a knot in my stomach and the feeling that something was really, really wrong.

The door was locked so I knocked before I used the key. I wanted him to come to that door and open it for me. I didn’t want to have to use the key. The key was for emergencies and there couldn't be an emergency. I saw the jeep when I came in so I knew he was home but he just wasn’t getting up.

I slid the key into the lock and turned it until I heard the click.

I slid open the door and everything looked normal. Until I looked into the bedroom. 

He looked like he was sleeping.

Everything looked fine. He was just sleeping I told myself. But I knew it wasn’t true. I’ve known Brian since we were fourteen and he was never a heavy sleeper.

I walked up the stairs and saw the empty bottle of Beam on the bed beside him and the pill bottle on the nightstand.

No…it was a dream…this isn’t happening. I felt like everything was moving in slow motion yet the room was swirling around me like it does after a bad night of drinking.

I ran over to the bed and shook him. I just kept pushing his arm trying to wake him up. I jumped up onto the bed and put my ear to his chest. Nothing. There was no heartbeat.

I don’t know what made me do it, but instead of running from the room, I curled up next to him and held him for one last time. And I cried. I sobbed into his shirt and breathed in his smell. That Brian smell that you know from a mile away. It was a mix of expensive cologne and sweat.

I pulled myself together just long enough to call 911, Ma and Ben.

Both Ma and Ben came just as they were taking him out of the loft. Ma fell to the ground and sobbed for the loss of her son. She got up as they loaded him into the ambulance and asked to see him. She leaned in close and whispered something to him then smoothed her hand over his hair and kissed his forehead.

While Ben tried to comfort Ma, I went back inside and looked around. There had to be some reason. Something here that said why he did it. 

I looked at the desk and saw an open journal. I never knew Brian kept a journal. I went over and saw what it said. When I saw the J, I knew. He did it because of him. 

I grabbed the journal and started walking down the stairs.

By this time everybody was here. Ted was standing with Emmet in his arms, trying to comfort him as he sobbed. Mel and Lindz were holding each other and even Mel was crying. 

Then I saw him.

His eyes were red and he was standing with Ma and Ben.

I ran over and threw the journal at him. ‘Its all your fault’ I screamed. Ben had to hold me back or I would have killed him right there on the spot. I watched as he opened the journal and read what the last words Brian wrote. He looked up at me for a brief moment before he fell to the ground and curled into a little ball. I saw his body shake as his body was wracked with sobs.

The only thing I could do was turn to Ben and not watch as Ma went over and held him in her arms.

Deb’s POV

I got the call while I was at work. 

Kiki called me over and told me over and told me it was Michael on the phone and she said that he was crying. I held the phone to my ear with my shoulder. When he told me, the tray of food I was holding fell to the floor, shattering. 

No…no it couldn't be. Brian couldn't be dead. It was Brian. He was invincible. He was going to live forever, just like he always said.

I left within two minutes of the call. Ben had come to pick me up at the diner and I saw that his eyes were brimmed with tears as he drove to the loft.

We pulled up just in time to see the EMT’s rolling him out of the building in that big black bag. I ran over and saw it up close and I felt my knees give out. I fell to the ground as I cried for my son. Because that’s exactly what Brian was…my son. 

I thought back to all those nights when he had come to our door at one in the morning all beaten and bloody. I never once turned him away. There was many a night when I would be treating a head wound or bringing him to the hospital for a broken rib.

I got up off the ground and went over and asked to see him one last time. 

He was so pale. The golden glow his skin had always had was gone. It was replaced with a ghostly whiteness. I leaned over and whispered to him. ‘I love you baby. I love you so much Brian. I hope you know that you will always be my son.’ I smoothed my hand over his hair as they zipped the bag again and put him into the back of the ambulance.

I went over to Ben and collapsed onto his shoulder and cried. Soon the whole family was there. Emmet couldn’t even bear to look at the ambulance let alone what was inside of it. He just turned to Ted and buried his head in his shoulder.

Mel and Lindsey were the next to arrive. Lindsey almost collapsed when she saw it was true. Mel turned her away from the ambulance and smoothed her hair as she shook with sobs.

Justin was the last to arrive. I don’t know how he found out, but he did. He looked around to see everyone crying and then looked at the ambulance. He walked over to me and flung his arms around me and sobbed into my shoulder. ‘ No, no, no!’ he yelled between sobs. I hadn't even noticed that Michael was gone until he came running up to Justin with some kind of book and screamed that it was all Justin’s fault.

I saw Justin read what was written in the book and then he fell to the ground, curling up and crying. 

Michael turned and walked away while I went over to Justin and held him as he cried.

Lindsey POV

I was in the kitchen when Ben called. 

I was just about to give Gus his breakfast when the phone rang. I put down his oatmeal and answered the phone.

My eyes must have been the size of dinner plates when he told me. I could feel my heart drop in my chest as the tears welled up in my eyes.

Brian? My Brian? He couldn't be gone. No it had to be a mistake. No it wasn’t happening. Ben told me that they were already at the loft and that they were just bringing him out now. I told him that I would be there in a few minutes.

I hung up the phone and looked over at Gus, who was sitting in his highchair eating his breakfast. He looked up at me with what reminded me of one of those patented Brian Kinney looks and I just lost it. Mel came running into the room when she heard me hit the floor. She rushed over to me and sat beside me on the floor. I looked at her and mouthed the words Brian’s dead. Her eyes widened as she threw her arms around me and cried.

We dropped Gus off at day care and went over to the loft. He was already in the ambulance when we got there. I couldn't look. I just turned to Mel and cried with her.

I saw teddy and Emmet, along with Debbie and Ben, but Michael was nowhere in sight. Then I saw Justin walk onto the scene. I wondered for a minute who had called and told him but I couldn't bear to look at him when he looked around at all of us, crying.

I only looked when I heard Michael screaming and I turned just in time to see Justin fall to the ground and Debbie go over to hold him. But one thing I did notice was a book lying open on the pavement beside him.

 

Justin POV

I was getting ready to go to school. Ethan had already left for the day and I was all alone in the apartment. I had hoisted my bag up onto my shoulder when my cell rang. it was Ben. I could tell something was wrong just from the tone of his voice but when he said those two little words, ‘Brian’s dead’, I dropped my bag and ran out of the building, not even bothering that the door was un-locked. The place was a shithole, who the fuck cared or wanted to steal anything.

I ran al the way to the loft, tears streaming down my face the whole way. I wasn’t even tired when I got there. 

It’s not true I kept telling myself, but when I got there and saw the ambulance and everybody crying around me I knew that it wasn’t all a dream. The first person I spotted was Debbie, who was standing in Ben’s arms. I walked over and she turned to hug me as I cried into her shoulder.

I only looked up when I heard Michael yelling. He screamed at me and told Em it was all my fault that he was dead as he threw a book at me.   
I picked up the book and saw that it was a journal…Brian’s journal. I looked at the page in my hand. My eyes widened as I read the letter Brian had written me. These were his last words and they were to me.

So I’m sitting here, writing a letter to you that I know you will see and I want to tell you what I never was able to say to your face.

I love you. I love you with all my heart and I don’t know how I lived my life without you. I need you and I want to be with you forever.

But I lost my chance and I know that I cant be me without you.

I love you Justin.

-B

My mouth opened wide and I looked up at Michael before my knees gave out and I fell to the ground. It was my fault. I was the one who made him do this. I killed Brian. I made him feel like he couldn't go on living. I wanted to die right there on the pavement outside the loft. Just to try and absorb myself into the pavement and never have to see anyone’s face ever again.

I continued to sob as I felt Debbie kneel beside me and pull me intoner arms. She just kept smoothing her hand over my hair and telling me that it wasn’t my fault, that it was ok, that I was gong to be ok. But I wasn’t ever going to be ok. 

Never again as long as Brian was gone.

 

They all stood as they watched the ambulance pull away from the curb, taking Brian and little piece of everyone’s heart with it.


End file.
